Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

There is a new virus that has appeared on the global scene. It is insidious, virulent and very contagious, and it can trace its origins back to barnyard animals the world over. Yes, my friends, it seems Farmville has infected us all. So far, I have remained free from its terrifying grasp, but I am not certain how much longer I can hold out.

Farmville seems to have appeared a couple of weeks ago as yet another of those facebook applications. But unlike Mob Wars,  STD Vampire Pirate Zombie infection or Super Double Plus Happy Fun Wall,  this application has found a very robust market within certain population. There is no definitive pattern to infection, I have found that it tends to favor individuals without much exposure to direct sunlight and an excess of school work. It begins innocently enough, with a simple invitation but as soon as it is initialized, the behaviour of the individual begins to change.

For example, during important conversations, people have  stared off into space, mumbling incoherently about ‘gifting elephants’, and walking off towards the nearest computer. In the middle of computer labs, I’ve heard shouts of “I’m at level six! I can finally grow strawberries”. They compare their crop yields, animal counts, field size, partners, gifts, conversions, bushes and bean poles, with nary a sexual connotation to be seen. In advanced cases, subjects are seen constantly clicking their mouse, mouth slightly open, as row after virtual row is changed in incomprehensible ways, pausing only to scratch themselves or invite additional people to join them. I cannot tell at this point whether these people are content with their lifestyle, but Farmville has replaced all important functions in their lives (like napping, showering, sex, or school I guess).

Instead of a harmless activity that serves to amusingly fill time (like drinking, or causal drug use), it appears to me that Farmville is part of a far more nefarious plot designed to socially engineer the slacker generation. Let us look at the evidence of this:

First of all, instead of relentless individualism (the backbone of Capitalism),  Farmvillians are encouraged to work collectively on their friends comrades farms, even receiving bonuses for this activity. How can we expect to nurture a generation of entrepreneurs if everyone has been brainwashed into working together? Based on quotas, this infected proletariat is given more land to toil endlessly and happily upon. Who is giving this land, I might add? It would seem whoever owned the land initially has no say in how their land is to be used. Where is respect for private property?

Secondly, there is an emphasis on planting multiple crops. As any artsie will tell you, Modern Farming is characterized by Monocropping, a tactic that is proven to generate Maximum Profits and Useful Food the world over. Why would a farming game wish to eschew the profit motive, and why are the infected being taught that this is an acceptable and desirable way of producing food?  I can only assume that their grossly inefficient use of land space is meant to produce some sort of Malthusian starvation situation to target those not indentured in this Farmville dystopia.

I think the reason for this sinister social engineering is clear when we consider the group that is behind all of this: fascist hippies from San Francisco! These burnt out scrum-bums are bitter that our Glorious Consumerist Society has paved over their pathetic notions of free love and freedom from showering, and they wish to impose their outdated Socialist Ideals through this mind-virus. It’s no surprise that, like Paul Gauguin, they reject our Modern Society and enslave unsuspecting students in some horrible, idyllic ‘paradise’. Where is the art, poetry,  dance, sensationalist free press, twitter and LOLcats in Farmville?

They’ve all been abolished for subsidence farming. Those damned hippies hate our freedom and have decided the best way to destroy it is through this horrible scourge. It’s obvious what we, as concerned citizens must do: Kill all Farmvillians. With fire.

Only then will our way of life be safe from these unwashed communists.

Or: Animal Farm was about Communism too...



~ by Andrew on October 8, 2009.

4 Responses to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I found your blog doing a search for ‘Farmville’ and ‘communism’. I posted a link to this entry on my own Facebook page. Hope you don’t mind.

  2. Must plant beets . . . More beets . . . and must share this article on Facebook!

    Great work!

  3. […] were my articles on FarmVille (which still gets lots of hits off of google), in which I fiendishly uncover the secret plot of Anarco-faschist hippie communists; my  Modest Proposal, in which I try to inject a needed vein of absurdism into our student […]

  4. […] Attack of the Killer Tomatoes October 2009 3 comments 3 […]

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