Why Evangelicals Should Love Twilight

This is a guest post that I’ve written for the Paliban Daily, a website I am a guest writer for. See this and many other fine articles over at ther website!

The Twilight series is a series of books written by Stephanie Meyer, which have gained a religious following among young adults and housewives the world over. The series details Mary-Sue and her tumulous relationship with the Perfect Man. Though there are themes of vampireism and the occult which may be troubling to evangelical parenting, these vampires bear no resemblence to traditional vampires, and are thus safe for impressionable young minds. Indeed, there are many positive virtues about this book which make them an ideal read for your Christian Daughter.

Bella Mary-Sue is presented to us as superficially as possible right from the outset, which is good, because any meaningful description might serve to displace the readers as they place themselves in the story. This is the continuing theme through the entire series. She spends most of her time without a thought in her bland little head, just occupying space and waiting for someone to something to happen. Luckily for her, she picks up interesting hobbies and meets many new friends, learning lots about herself in the process.

Just kidding!

Thankfully for aspiring barefooted and pregnant housewives the world over, it is at this point that she begins to cultivate her personal relationship with the perfect man. Now, when I say ‘cultivate’ I mean to say that he watches her all the time, even when they aren’t dating and he doesn’t have any justifiable reason to be anywhere near her, completely imposing his will upon her unworthy little life. After an eternity of longing gazes and endless obsessive description of every facet of Mr. Perfect, Mary-Sue’s physical and emotional needs are continually ignored. This is perfectly normal, because it’s proper for the man to always remain firmly in control of every aspect of a healthy relationship. With a man now in her life, she’s safe from all harm, even actively rejecting self defense measures like pepper spray. I mean, who would need protection when you have an all powerful, omnipresent man in your life? At any rate, a silly woman wouldn’t know any better, because all men are always at the edge of losing physical control, and yes, this is all the woman’s fault. You may be thinking that this closely resembles the type of emotional torture seen in victims of Stockholm’s Syndrome, but that’s simply a coincidence.

DID I ASK YOU TO TURN AROUND?

Mr. Perfect’s benevolence is fully demonstrated when he unilaterally destroys Mary-Sue’s life by deciding to leave her. Without a strong man to take care of everything, she literally shuts down. This is a good thing, because any emotional independence might lead to independent thinking, and men don’t like girls who think too much and can do too much without the man. Mary-Sue’s luck improves when another man comes along to pick her up off her feet. We know it can’t last, because he isn’t as good as Mr. Perfect, but that doesn’t stop Mary-Sue from stringing him along emotionally for the time being. True to form, this man and indeed, his entire family, as they are all <spoliers> werewolves are also constantly on the verge of physically abusing their women. Some of the other women in the family have actually even been beaten to the point of death, but what should she have expected? Possibly fatal beatings are just one ingredient in the spicy stew that is love.

grrr, I'ma beat you!

At this point, Mary-Sue and her female companions begin to refer to themselves completely relation to their respective men. It’s very good that this was so prominently displayed, as all good girls should take their mans name, and as much of his identity as soon as possible. Only women that don’t really love their men keep their own names.

It is almost certainly a coincidence that this book, written by a Mormon, makes the concept of waiting so central to the romantic plot. Millions of young women in our country are growing up today, receiving conflicting messages about their budding sexuality from all sources. Thankfully for the mental health of these women, Twilight has become the model for a proper relationship. They are now sure that their own physical, psychological and emotional needs should be completely secondary to their mans, and that it would be utterly wrong and unnatural to pursue any sexual relationship that isn’t instigated fully by the man, or even to question or second guess his all-encompassing edicts. Furthermore, the main reason that you should get married is to consummate the physical relationship that the man has been tempting (but never granting) you for years, and any deviation from this perfect, celestial model is indicative of a personal fault only on the woman’s part. These women now know that their main value as humans (or vampires) is to make babies, and the physical pain that results from this is because they are women. Most importantly, when they do finally become pregnant, it is vital to bring the fetus to term, even and especially when the womans life is in danger. After all, there is part of her man inside her that is worth much more than she could ever hope to be.

When you combine that with the quality of writing that you find in parts of the bible, not to mention the positive moral messages contained therein, it becomes obvious why Twilight should be heartily embraced by every Evangelical family under the sun. We’ve already seen what positive results this heavily abstinence-only message has caused within the evangelical subculture, what with the higher birthrate among young evangelicals,  so the messages contained within the Twilight series could only be good for our society at large.

ehhhhh

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~ by Andrew on February 15, 2010.

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